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The really wonderful moments of joy in this world are not the moments of self-satisfaction, but self-forgetfulness. Standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and contemplating your own greatness is pathological. At such moments we are made for a magnificent joy that comes from outside ourselves. – John Piper, Don’t Waste Your Life

I think I’ve been learning to live outside of myself. I’ve become gradually cognizant of ways in which I organize my life around myself: my comfort, my security, and my happiness.

When I first arrived in Morocco, I was uncomfortable all day every day. There was no way for me to avoid the awkward dinners, the confusing conversations, the cold showers, and the winding ways I got to school. There was no place to retreat, no place where I could find the cozy life I had created in America. In that initial period of discomfort, I learned that I couldn’t hesitate until I felt comfortable. I had to ignore my discomfort, my fears, my desire to hide, in order to get up in the morning. Every day I had to consciously ignore my inadequacy and look to others, for ways to help around the house, for questions to ask people about themselves, for times I could smile and act happy. I grew because I was other-focused.

But it’s different now. Now the showers are normal, dinner is routine, conversations are natural, and the walk to school is subconscious. Normal life is comfortable. Now I can retreat to my bedroom, plug in my headphones, and read the New York Times or listen to an audio book if I want to be comfortable. But should comfort be my goal?

John Piper writes in his book Don’t Waste Your Life, “The thought of building a life around minimal morality or minimal significance—a life defined by the question, “What is permissible?”—felt almost disgusting to me. I didn’t want a minimal life. I didn’t want to live on the outskirts of reality. I wanted to understand the main thing about life and pursue it.” I’m starting to learn what he means. I’m tempted to live a minimal life here, a life where I work to build my comfort, to ignore the differences here that disturb me, to simply race to the end of the year and get back to the familiarity of the US. I’m tempted to seek only for self-created joy.

But what I truly want for this year, what I strive for and dream of, is to pursue life to the fullest. To move outside of myself and focus on others, to invest in the people here and build relationships, to push myself to help others even though I remain uncomfortable. In practice, that looks like comforting the girl at school who’s crying in the corner, even though you’re not friends. It’s being there to process the struggles of a friend even though you yourself are struggling with different things. It’s asking to help with the dishes when you really want to take a nap. I’ve done these things since I’ve been here. Not perfectly, not every time, but I’ve grown in this area. I will continue to grow.

This blog post doesn’t mean I’ve mastered the art of denying my comfort. I’m very fallible, I’m very selfish, I’m very sinful in this area. I will be my whole life; we all are. But pursuing life means stepping outside of myself, into the larger world, where I’m always uncomfortable but where I can find joy. I will continue to step out, and when I regress, I will repeat the process.