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Is it really already time to mention that I’m almost done with my exchange? These days it feels like I just got here, like the year has flown by, and I’m not quite sure where all the time went. I was here for long enough that I convinced myself to put down roots, and to act as though I was never going to leave.

But here it is, the last month, 30 days. Right now, it feels like it’s September again. I’m plagued by the same feelings of discomfort and discombobulation. Sitting on my bed last night, I tried to remember what living in America felt like and found that I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember how I spent my time, or how I felt every day, or what made me happy, sad, or frustrated. I don’t feel like I belong in my old life anymore.

But it’s no longer possible to pretend I’ll live in Morocco forever. My host family keeps bringing up that I have a month left, asking me how I’ll feel, saying how much they’ll miss me, that I can visit them whenever. But I don’t want to talk about leaving. I want to pretend that today was just like Saturday 2 months ago, when I had forever left in Morocco. So, just like in September, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I feel disconnected from Morocco, and even more so from the US.

These days before I leave are so valuable to me. They’re time to revisit memories and to celebrate what I’ve grown to love about Morocco. They’re time to invest and engage with Morocco while I still can. But thinking about returning home is unavoidable; I have to plan out my summer, fill out matriculation forms for college, and sort out my clothes for packing. I’m in limbo again.

The enormity of returning home paradoxically eclipses the intensity of arriving in Morocco. It is a great challenge to step back into a country that used to be so familiar with experiences and growth that others will struggle to understand. In the coming weeks, I’ll be sorting through my responses to my year with the other YES students, with my parents, and here on my blog. I’m excited to share more of what I’ve learned and process how I’ve changed.

These thirty days are going to fly by, but I want to make the most of them!