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I’ve had three host families this year. Packing, moving, and re-adjusting is far from my favorite process, but it’s taught me lots. From the bottom of my heart, I regret not having had the chance to get super close with one family for the whole year. But instead I got to see three different families, and I learned how to adjust to new families. Here’s what I’ve learned, and what advice I’d give.

Before you arrive:

  1. If possible, contact them. If you have a roommate, make sure to both contact them. Ask if you can bring anything from America for them, and introduce yourself.
  2. Don’t fantasize about your relationship with them too much. Try not to imagine the long talks you’ll have with your host sister, or the games you’ll play with your host brother. You don’t know them at all, and you don’t know what living with them will be like. Not having expectations will make it easier to adjust.
  3. Shop for insightful gifts. Good ones include regional items from your home and food you can only find in the US. Another nice gesture that I did was to make a Shutterfly book introducing me and my family to my new host family. I made 2 copies, in case I switched families, and I wrote it in French. It was nice to sit down with them and show them my life back home on one of the first nights I was there.

When you first arrive:

  1. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Questions break the silence, and they help your family feel comfortable. “What do you do for your job?” or “What city are you originally from?” are obvious questions that if you don’t ask at first, you’ll feel awkward asking later.
  2. Ask what to call your host parents. I did this immediately with my first family, but not with my second and third. It was very awkward to try to figure out what to call my host mom after three months in her house. Believe me, they notice if you don’t call them anything, and it helps them to feel closer to you if you use a name/title.
  3. Ask to help right away, and keep asking. It’s unlikely they’ll let you help the first time you ask. But if you keep asking they’ll eventually let you. Helping around the house helps to integrate you into the family and is good hang-out time.
  4. Ask questions about living with them, including but not limited to: “When should I be home at night? Where should I put my laundry? Will I eat dinner at home or take something with me?” Knowing is way better than guessing as you go in this area. I’ve tried it both ways.
  5. Use your host family to learn the language! Ask them to teach you, it’ll make you closer.
  6. Smile and compliment. If you appear genuinely happy, you’ll make your family happy!

If you have a roommate:

  1. Talk about rules/boundaries with each other. For example, my roommate and I agreed that we wouldn’t both be in our room together with the door shut before bedtime. We agreed not to talk in English at the dinner table. We agreed that messy rooms didn’t bother us but that we should make an effort for the family. We agreed (sometimes) on what time to go to bed.
  2. Be nice and compromise. Being attentive to what they’d prefer (clean room, early lights-out) will make your relationship stronger.
  3. Apologize when you do something wrong or hurt them.
  4. Bring them chocolate and be there on their bad days. You are their biggest support system. Even when you get sick of their problems, listen.

When you have problems:

  1. Tell them first, if you can. If you can communicate directly it’ll be less offensive, and chances are they’ll listen to you.
  2. Give them chances to change. They’ll most likely make the effort.
  3. Accept that it’s okay to be really annoyed with certain aspects of your family. Give minor annoyances time before you take further action.

If you have to switch families:

  1. I had three families this year, and the switching days were some of the worst days of my exchange. I feel for you.
  2. So much of exchange is beyond your control. Sometimes, even if you make an effort to reach out and connect with your family, they won’t reciprocate. You can’t build a relationship alone. It is most likely not your fault if things didn’t work out. Learn from your mistakes but don’t dwell on guilt.
  3. Wisest advice I received this year: Moving day is the worst. But it’s like traveling via plane with small children. It’s 12 hours of torture, but it will pass. You will wake up the next day and the ordeal will be over.
  4. Switching families doesn’t invalidate your exchange experience. It will limited your ability to form a really deep connection with one family for the whole year. But switching teaches you lessons too, and makes you stronger. Just because you had a negative experience doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable.
  5. Give yourself grace with the new family, and time. Make an effort to be close to them, even if you’re afraid they won’t reciprocate.